There is an emptiness inside that I can't explain. Or I think I can but why bother to explain anything? Life is now. Life was also then and more of life is yet to happen.
Where there was pain now's there's joy
Where there was weakness I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy"
(Celine Dion, A New Day Has Come,
Written by Aldo Nova and Stephan Moccio)
Standing there, next to the radio, I was completely overwhelmed, so powerful was the initial awareness of what the song was about. And I almost cried for "All in the eyes of a boy" just about broke my heart wide open.
It has come to be one of my favourite songs and I always want to listen to it if I ever happen to catch it over the radio. And of course the sadness is experienced again although on a much smaller scale. And I may even get a little teary-eyed. And maybe even a few goosebumps. Why put myself through all that? Is it some form of release? Or am I just a glutton for punishment, wanting to remind myself of what I do not have or what I am missing out on or was it something that was never meant to be?
And I write about it because ... ? Do I think that there is still hope? Do I help to keep it alive this way, this yearning, this desire, this dream that still exists deep within? And it is just a dream, isn't it, a daydream like any other. It isn't real.
Some people make it seem so easy. There are even unmarried women who make it a point to conceive. And if they can't or do not wish to conceive, they adopt. They long for their child to love and cherish, to help grow and educate. It fills a need. But are we being selfish by creating a child just because of our needs? To love and to be loved. To love a child and to be loved by that child. It happens. And it happened to me but only in my imaginary world where the people and situations are slightly out-of-focus for they aren't real.
Even though I may disagree with the decisions and actions of those women, it nevertheless helps me realise that I am not alone. And yet I still feel alone. Words like "unfulfilled" and "maternal" and "whole" actually come to me now. I relate to them in a different way. Strange. And do I merely want a child? Or do I want a child with him? At least other women tried. We have not even tried. It is not easy to talk about. So it is not talked about. I still think of it in terms of real and unreal. And it doesn't feel real, does it. I am alive but I don't feel real.
I believe one should only bring a child into this world within a marriage. The family unit is so important. Didn't I take all the right steps? I went from Point A to Point B to ... ? But something went wrong in between. Or had it already gone wrong from the very beginning? Or did life just happen? Am I just responding emotionally like I usually do? And it is emotional. How could it not be emotional?
But once the emotions settle, and one has a clearer picture, what then? Is there still a daydream of that child, whether it's a beautiful baby boy or a darling baby girl?
As the song goes, "Hush now..."
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