How did this come about? How did we both come to this place where it is easier, warm, a more loving place to be. How did I have this change of heart?
There were times when I asked God if I stayed because I was being true to my vows (but how true was I really?) or because I was a coward. Did I stay because I believed in staying, working it out and seeing it all the way through? Or did I stay because I was afraid to leave even though I fantasized about leaving, about another life in another place. I've come to realize that the reason they're called fantasies is because they are precisely that: fantasies, make-believe, daydreams. A life inside my head. Nothing more. And re-living those fantasies served no real purpose except a temporary contentment (or what I perceived to be contentment and a relief) that took me away from what was happening in my own life, especially my marriage.
I give in to dark moods so readily. Or is it that I give up so easily? Am I so weak that I am so easily defeated? Or have I been allowing myself to inhabit that fantasy world for so long that I retreat to that other place too readily?
I did give up sometimes, at least in thought or even in the spoken word.
And yet he didn't -- and wouldn't -- give up on me. He never gave up on me.
And why keep harping on who was right or wrong? Why keep score and bring it up again a few years later, ever ready to cast blame on another for the unhappiness that I feel at the moment? Moods are a given. They will strike without warning. What's important is that I learn to recognise that it's a mood, that my judgement is clouded, even though I may vehemently defend my position, trying to find a way out, if only mentally.
How did we come to this place?
Because he loves me. And I love him. It is as simple as that. And yet the act of love isn't always so simple when one keeps daydreaming about the what if's and playing the broken records which serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever except to wallow in misery and self-pity. And to keep him away.
He never gave up on me. How did I ever find such a man, Father? Again with the questions! But a different question this time for it is also one of gratitude.
And even though there are past regrets and a few lost years that cannot be reclaimed, it is time to move on and live again. Not as one, not by myself, in my daydreams. But to live as two, together with him, in the here and now. For we won't live forever and time stands still for no one.
And not only can we laugh together, we can also grieve together. We can depend on one another and, at the same time, not lose sight of Him who brought us together. Too often have I taken people and things for granted.
Even in my moments of doubt, even when I was the one who withdrew or who was unkind, whenever I reached for him, he was there.
Did you ever see a miracle, Father? I did. I have. And who am I really asking but myself. For with You, nothing is impossible. And I am reminded of these words on my favourite picture frame: God asks us not to worry about tomorrow... just stick with today, is what He recommends. Of course, it helps to stick with Him while we're at it. I think I laughed out loud when I first read them. And to this day, they still make me smile. There is something about those words, something both amusing and true.
All those years ago, my husband and I found each other for a reason. And we found each other again.
He is kind to me. And, Father, please let me never forget to be kind to him.